I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
