shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
