On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
