I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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