I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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