He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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