I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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