Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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