my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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