I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
