apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Shame - the story of my life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
