Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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