I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
where does the pee come out of this thing
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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