I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
