I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
