We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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