i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
