we made out on top of his cat.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
