Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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