apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
