When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
