if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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