I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
