dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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