How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
