I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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