Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
