Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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