Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
