i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
