I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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