She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
