I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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