i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
