he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
