Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
