I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
