smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
