Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
