Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize