I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
