why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
