My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
