Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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