dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
