It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
