Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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