My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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