Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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