i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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