Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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