I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
