whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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