i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
