Do you still have your period?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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