sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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