Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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