ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
