i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
