If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
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Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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